Sharon Shivley
There are articles, books, movie, blogs and videos all based purely on the concept that there is a right way to date someone. That there is a correct combination of texts and words and behaviors that will make somebody fall in love with you without you losing your power. I think this is bullshit and I mean don’t get me wrong I am all about stacking the odds of dating success in your favor. Here at attract love that is what we do. However there is a balance. When the perfect words to say in a text is what you are focusing on more than the authenticity of yourself and your potential date you can find yourself totally out of balance quickly.
I’ll admit when I was fifteen, I would read Cosmopolitan and Seventeen magazine and follow their advice to a “T”. “He’s gonna call me now. He’s gonna call me now. He’s gonna call me now. Now. Now. He’s gonna call me now. Answer on exactly the 4th ring and then say something sexual like….
Hey Michael! I’m so sorry. I was just in the shower… All naked and stuff. What’s up chicken butt?”
As we get older we realized that all of this advice is based on the flawed premise that love is a game and people are prizes to be won. And when I would follow these rules and inevitably get to know a person better and become emotionally invested in them. I would realize way too late. Wait! We’re not actually compatible.
“Yeah, so I just like walked out.” “Wait. You just left without paying?” “Look if they’re not going to give me the bill on time then I’m just gonna go. Bye!” I remember when I was in like my late teens early twenties, I had like this really long conversation with my grandma where I was just like confused and angry about love and marriage and dating and I just felt like there were so many rules you had to follow. I had so much anxiety about doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing. And she was like “Anna Kay. The only dating advice you will ever need is to just be yourself.”
Because that way if someone falls in love with you, they’re falling in love with you and not this idea that you’ve presented. It’s a lot of work to maintain an idea over a long period of time. It’s quite easy to keep being yourself.
Though very simple, and straightforward and seemingly obvious really stuck with me. As like a no-bullshit way to see who’s weirdness vibes with your weirdness because if you’re the kind of person who says whatever is on their mind, no matter how inappropriate or dark, your date’s gonna either laugh or like it or they’re gonna think that it’s awkward and never call you again.
But either way, you didn’t hold back an aspect of your personality that you otherwise might’ve suppressed for some time. I think it’s much better to just be upfront with who you are and what the other person is signing up for.
And if they like it – great! And if they don’t – cool! Move on and find somebody else. And when you finally do, they’ll like you for you. Instead of this carefully curated construct that you’ve spent so much time building for them.
Make sense.
Yes I believe in finding yourself and your sytle, and educating yourself every way you can to become the best you, you can be.